After some near-tearful goodbyes, my suitcase and I were whisked away from Dancing Rabbit around 2:30 this afternoon. It’s incredible how permanent being in a place can feel after only a couple weeks. And then I leave. Once again, I am reminded of my own transience.

A couple visitors arrived at DR yesterday. (There were originally supposed to be ten, but only two showed up. This is a freak occurrence.) I sat with them today at lunch, and one of them asked me what I had learned during my stay. I think I said something superficial or brushed it off as too big of a question to deal with. I thought over it some more later. Besides cobbing and roof construction, I had some of my usual epiphanies. Plopping down in a new place always forces me to look at myself differently, and being around new people provides me with new perspectives.

I am struck by how quickly I get comfortable. It is easy for me to envision myself living at Dancing Rabbit. I see that people live there, I make friends with them, and I empathize. What they are doing is something that I could do. It was easy to envision myself living in The Gambia for the same reason. It will probably be easy to envision myself living in Portland. I can imagine staying just about everywhere I go. I get comfortable. I make friends. I engage myself as if I am staying for longer than I am, and I initiate things that I won’t be around long enough to finish. I leave friendships in their fetal stages, I fail to say goodbye to six year olds who have grown attached, and I propose building projects I won’t even see drafted.

This can cause problems. I create expectations in others and myself that I have no way of standing up to. I often feel unfulfilled when I leave a place. Really, unfinished business never feels good. I worry that I hurt people. On the other hand, what else am I supposed to do?

“No, no, I’m only going to be here for two weeks. I don’t want to fully engage myself in this place. Please don’t be interested in me or tell me about your life.”

That would just be silly. Thus, I am left with a problem that I don’t necessarily want to fix. If you think of a good solution, let me know.

In other news, I’m leaving Alton tomorrow to go to Portland. I need to call Elizabeth, seeing as she’s hosting me there. She’s been trying to call me for days, but I didn’t really have reception at DR and internet was pretty limited. What can I say? I’m sometimes terrible at keeping in touch. I am, despite my lack of communication, super excited to see her, check out Portland, etc. SPROG should be good, too.

Speaking of environmental activist things, I talked to the SEAC Regional Coordinator folks and told them that I couldn’t accept the offer of the RC position. I know, I suck. Whatever. I’m going to be ridiculously busy next year, and I really don’t need that looming over me. I already feel like I do a shitty job as the SEAC person, to be honest. I don’t need to be reminded of my own inadequacies any more than I already am.

So. Tomorrow. Laundry in the morning, planes and airports in the afternoon, Portland in the evening. I am pretty content with this plan. I have some good reading, I have my paper from The Gambia to work on (Prof. Roberts gave me generally positive feedback, so it shouldn’t be too bad), and I have short legs that fit nicely in the economy seats.