Oh God. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Existential crisis! (Is that the proper use of "existential crisis"? Existential has to do with existing, and my problem isn't existing; my problem is planning. I exist just fine, thank you.)

Excuse me while I vomit my thoughts into this text box.

My mother was pressuring me to apply to the Peace Corps today. I am torn about the Peace Corps. On one hand, it could be a great experience. I would go somewhere and make myself useful and pick up skills, and then I would have something to talk about with culturally-minded strangers on public transportation. That would be cool. I like being useful. I like learning things. On the other hand, I'd be very far away, doing things that a) weren't particularly relevant to the rest of my life and b) most people in the States would have a difficult time relating to. It would essentially be pressing a pause button on my life back here. I don't particularly want to pause and step out of my life, for reasons I will discuss in the next paragraph. On another note, I am squeamish about going somewhere to be a savior, to bring American help to the poor misguided masses of the underdeveloped world. That just doesn't sit well with me. I also don't think I'll get in, for reasons I don't care to discuss but think are very valid. I know, I know. That's no reason to not apply. Hush.

Right. Not wanting to press pause. I feel that my life, particularly my activism in the climate change movement, has been gathering momentum. I am meeting people. I am doing things. I am finding myself in a better and better position to be a catalyst for change, and that's really neat. The climate scene moves quickly, and I don't want to get out of the loop. Going to Botswana or something for two years, I'm pretty sure, would count as out of the loop.

So. Probably not Peace Corps, then. What else might the future hold for me? A great many things! Many, many, many. This is my difficulty. I am presented with choices upon choices, and I am hesitant to commit. This is the plight of most college students eying their impending graduations, I think. I am not a beautiful, unique snowflake in this respect. However, solidarity with my fellow grads-to-be does not make my decision any easier.

The main thing I'm looking at is going into activism even more. I am excited about being part of a movement that has the potential to leave such a positive legacy. What a critical time to be alive and aware! What incredible people to work with! On the other hand, I am nervous. I fear burnout. I fear not being able to support myself financially. I fear a life of traveling around to wherever I am needed, never rooting myself in a place and establishing permanence. I mean, really, sustainability is all about settling in and getting acquainted with a place/community and finding local solutions for everything. How in the world am I supposed to grow things if I'm not anywhere long enough to plant seeds?

If I'm going for intimacy with a place/community, I could always join an intentional community. (Sorry, Mom.) There are many things I like about intentional communities. My main concern about community is that I would check out from the real world. If I'm going to check out, I may as well join the Peace Corps. Well. I'm sure you'll hear all about intentional communities this academic year. After all, I'm doing my SMP on them. (SMP= St Mary's Project, basically my undergrad thesis.)

I could get a boring job that pays the bills and do exciting things like activism on the side. I could hope for a not-so-boring job, I suppose. I could bow to my mother's pressure and join the State Department or something, God forbid. I could go to law school. I could go to grad school. I could stay in the DC area, or I could move to Portland, or I could move to any other city. I could intern at communities and organic farms for the summer, or for as long as I wanted to keep working. I could bike across America.

Ha. None of my potential plans involve my psychology degree. Awesome.

I don't particularly want to stay in the St Mary's area. I don't particularly want to work for the government, unless there's some really righteous branch hiding somewhere. I want to keep my title as Only One in the Immediate Family Without a Security Clearance. I want to read lots and lots of books. I want to have close friends and eat good food. I want to feel nourished and healthy in every way. I would like to have a kid eventually. I would like to take a massage class, and maybe offer massages for sale at farmers markets and things. I want a comfy chair with a good reading lamp. I want furry animals in my life. Cats and dogs preferred. I would like to have access to eggs laid by happy, healthy, local birds. (Probably chickens, maybe ducks.) I want to make music every day. I want to have open, honest communication with the people around me.

I have lots of wants. I need to sort them out sometime and see if they condense into one big want that I can seriously pursue. Y'know, like a lifestyle or something. That would be nice.